Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category
Where Character Begins in Teens
There are few things in life that a Christian parent hopes for more than to pass on to their children than the same principles and character values they live by. But strong character isn’t automatic. It takes a lot of intentional work by parents. While physical traits are passed on from parents to children through their genes, character traits aren’t built into kids at birth. And neither are they taught…they are most often “caught.”
Values don’t just appear when a teenager matures. They come from the experiences each of us have in life and from observing those around us, especially our parents, who model them day in and day out in the way they live.
So, if we want our children to be compassionate, we need to model that by volunteering at the homeless shelter or giving money to the poor. If we want them to be truthful, then we need to always tell the truth ourselves. If we want them to be respectful to us, then we must show respect to them and to our own parents.
If you’re a parent, you’ve got to be the one out front leading the charge. If an important character value is lacking in your family, like that of respect, start with the only person you can readily change — yourself. Look for the cause and effect of your own example affecting your teenager’s lack of respect. Jesus taught us to make sure we remove the log in our own eye before we attempt to remove a speck in someone else’s. So, begin by asking, “How am I showing disrespect to you or to others? Is there some way you feel I am disrespecting you?” Remember, kids watch what we do far more than they listen to what we say.
We discuss the topic of instilling character in our kids on our radio program this week. You can listen to it right now online, here (or go to www.parentingtodaysteens.org). Dr. James MacDonald joins me as well to share the five most important character values he’s tried to teach in his own home. They are:
To Love God…Start at the beginning with God, who made you, knows you, and loves you. Without loving God with all your heart, no matter what else happens in life, nothing will be right. If you have that part right, everything else in your life, even if it is wrong, will be alright.
To Put Family First…That means family comes before friends; family ideas hold more importance than the opinions of others; and your family values are the point of reference for how you will behave in all relationships.
To Work Hard…James says his mother set a good example for the entire family. She raised a great family, ran a great home, and often encouraged her children to work hard for the things they wanted. It taught the while family the value of working hard.
To Always Tell the Truth…There is blessing, freedom, and power, and health in relationships when everyone can trust each other. God said He is truth, and He loves truth. Like any family, you can count on truth-telling to be tested, but it is the overriding value for how handling any situation.
To Be Kind…Showing kindness brings favor, it brings blessings. When there is a fork in the relational road, it is better to choose the road that is paved with kindness. And if you are always going to tell someone the truth –then be sure to be kind about it.
My good friend Dr. Tim Kimmel also wrote about teaching kids character in his book, Grace-Based Parenting. He lists six most character traits he deems most important: Faith, Integrity, Poise, Disciplines, Endurance, and Courage.
James and Tim offer us some good examples of key character traits to prime the pump and get you started, but yours may be different. So think this week about what traits you are trying to teach your family. Limit your list to just a few, and be sure you are living them yourself before you try to teach them. Then begin talking about them at every opportunity. Tell stories and do the kinds of activities with your family that will strengthen these traits. That’s how real character is passed along.
Christ didn’t live and die just to offer us salvation. He came to teach us character through demonstrating a lifestyle that pleases God. It is through His example that we can learn how to live, even if we’ve had really bad parents on this earth. So, there’s no excuse for parents not to be a good example of strong character to their children. It doesn’t mean we’ll always be perfect, for parents are human and we all make mistakes, but we need to be ready to ask forgiveness for our mistakes and set things straight when we’ve blown it. That’s an important character trait for children to learn as well.
A Father’s Critical Role
A Father’s Critical Role
Don’t be fooled into thinking that dads aren’t all that important. Kids need dads to validate their self-worth. Many problems can come to a family and to future relationships for the children when a dad is absent or not as involved with his kids as they need him to be.
Not only does an absent dad make it hard on the mom – who then tries to play both roles – but it is also confusing to the children. Mom the nurturer has to become mom the authoritarian, and the kids will begin to feel a void in their life that can create relational minefields in their future.
What about when a dad is there, but he remains disengaged? This too can be a problem; maybe an even bigger problem than an absent dad. It can lead to a loss in a child’s self-worth and identity. They begin thinking that they are not important or not worthy of dad’s attention, or worse yet, they’re a burden to him. As a result, they can develop insecurities and anxieties and may never feel they measure up or are good enough – not to anyone.
Each parent has a separate role when it comes to building a child’s self-esteem. Moms instill value in her children and dads validate it. If mom is doing her job, but dad is not right behind her doing the validating, a son may enter into inappropriate relationships to do that for him, or a daughter may go out to find a boy or even an older man who will do the same. They want someone to validate their self worth; but they can only get that from dad.
But what is validation? It’s kind of like a stamp of approval. It tells the child that they are loved and accepted for who they are, regardless. It validates that they are a valued and important part of the family and that they are a beautiful person worthy of the adoration of a father. Can’t you just tell a child that? Of course you can, and you should! But actions speak louder than words. Validation comes from showing you are interested in the child and not only willing to spend time with them, but that you cannot wait for the next time you two can spend together. It’s a very special and important part of your life.
What if the Father is Absent?
If your child does not have a father, or someone to fill that role in their life; it is important to ask your pastor or youth minister, or other family members to fill that void in a positive way for your child.
I knew a man who was slowly passing away from terminal cancer. Before he passed, he asked six different men to look after his children when he was gone. Now that is dedication. This man understood the importance of the role of the father. He wanted at least six men to be looking out for his children, to be sure they would have the support and validation they so desperately need, especially after the loss of a father they loved so much.
My Teen Doesn’t Want to Spend Time with Me
Not every dad knows how to be a good father, because they didn’t have a good example in their own life. That could be why there is a rift in your relationship. A shift in your parenting to become a validator will allow you to experience something you may never have had before in a relationship.
Perhaps you are struggling with your teen and sometimes just want to cut off the relationship and say “Enough is enough!” So maybe you’ve gotten overly involved in projects, sports or work and avoid your child. But even unruly children want their dad to offer them the same amount attention and dedication. They may not say it. They may even deny it with all their might. But no matter how nasty they’ve become, they still need their dad.
These dads may now have to work extra hard to validate their teen. And after they have broken the ice, they should continue to make sure they are doing a good job by asking, “Am I around you enough?” Or, “Do I support you like you need?” “Who do you know you can always count on…is it me?”Who is the second?” “Third?” Sometimes kids cannot explain their needs, but dad’s desire to talk to them shows that he cares, especially if he listens to them and takes them at their word.
For all the dads out there that have “blown it” or parents that feel they have lost all connection with their kids, showing how you desire time and interaction with them now will still make a difference. Be persistent, and it will pay off.
Steps Toward Validation
Dads should make an effort to get together with their son or daughter once a week, no matter what. For daughters, make it a date. Go to dinner or a coffee shop and just sit and open your ears, look at her, and ask some good questions. Show her that you will go out of your way to talk to her about what matters most to her.
For sons, you’ll do a better job or validating by doing something active together, rather than sitting face to face. Work on a project, golf, hunt, fish, or attend a game together. You may need to go out of your way to find an interest you both have in common.
Positive validation through mutual participation in an activity (especially an activity you may not personally be that fond of ) gives your teenager the impression that you care. Strengthen that feeling by endeavoring to find some way to encourage and praise them, even if it is hard to find something praiseworthy.
Every child yearns for attention from the adults in their life. They might be on guard or may not trust you at first because in the past they have not felt so important to you. Make it clear to them that it is your desire now to spend time with them on a regular basis, and then be consistent. Both of you will benefit, but your teen will feel validated because they begin to feel that you really want to be with them and to nourish the relationship.
Kids need their mom’s and dad’s presence and attention to their needs. If not, they will look for value and validation somewhere else – usually from all the wrong places — but they will never truly find it.
Too much TV psychologically harms kids
Source: Yahoo
WASHINGTON (AFP) – Hiding the TV remote and games console controller is a good thing to do to kids if it’s the only way to limit the time they spend in front of a screen, according to a study published Monday.
The study, published in the US journal Pediatrics, found that kids who spend hours each day in front of the TV or games console have more psychological difficulties like problems relating to peers, emotional issues, hyperactivity or conduct challenges, than kids who don’t.
And contrary to what earlier studies have indicated, the negative impact of screen time was not remedied by increasing a child’s physical activity levels, says the study conducted by researchers from the University of Bristol in Britain.
The researchers got 1,013 children between the ages of 10 and 11 to self-report average daily hours spent watching television or playing — not doing homework — on a computer. Responses ranged from zero to around five hours per day.
The children also completed a 25-point questionnaire to assess their psychological state, and the time they spent in moderate to vigorous activity was measured using a device called an accelerometer, which was worn around the waist for seven days.
The researchers found that children who spent two hours or more a day watching television or playing on a computer were more likely to get high scores on the questionnaire, indicating they had more psychological difficulties than kids who did not spend a lot of time in front of a screen.
Even children who were physically active but spent more than two hours a day in front of a screen were at increased risk of psychological difficulties, indicating that screen time might be the chief culprit.
Earlier studies have found that while more time spent in front of a screen led to lower well-being, physical activity improved one’s state of mind. That led researchers to believe that upping physical activity levels could counteract the negative impact of watching TV or playing on the computer.
And many parents and children think that spending a lot of time on the computer or in front of the television is OK if it’s part of a “balanced lifestyle”, the study in Pediatrics says.
“Excessive use of electronic media is not a concern if children are physically active,” the study says.
But its findings indicate that might not be the case, and the researchers advise parents to limit their children’s computer use and TV viewing time to ensure their “optimal well-being.”
Remodeling the Family Home
Parents with a rebellious teenager tell me that their house seems to be falling apart at the seams. The whole family is in a constant state of turmoil and walking on eggshells. But I tell them that their house can again become whole; in fact, with some hard work, it can become their dream home.
Do you live in your dream home, or has it fallen into disrepair? Sometimes my life gets so busy that I simply dream of being home once in awhile, but that’s not exactly what I mean here. Most people think of their dream home in terms of a house on the lake, a mansion on a hilltop, a quiet cabin in the woods. But many parents I work with would rather live in a mud hut than a beautiful mansion, if they could just have some peace in the family and good relationships with their children.
When I talk to parents about the dreams they have for their home and family, they say what they most long for is a place of close-knit relationships; where siblings truly care for one another, and where children show their parents respect.
And what about your teen? What kind of a home does she want? It may seem like she would like a home where she is totally in control and where she can do whatever she wants, but that’s usually not the case. In spite of her disrespect or disobedience, she still wants a good relationship with you; she’s just lost sight of how to get there. Somewhere along the line she has lost a connection with you and cannot find her way back.
If your dream home has fallen into disrepair, a little remodeling will get it back to where you (and your teen) want it to be. Remember, parenting isn’t for the weak and timid; it is not a spectator sport, it is something for which you must become proactive in order to get different results. So, don your overalls and strap on your tool belt. It’s time to get to work!
Here are a few remodeling suggestions – things you can do right now to begin to make a change in your family, and work toward making your house the home of your dreams.
1. Give your child a responsibility or freedom they’ve never had before.
Sometimes parents stir up the rebellious side of a child because they provoke them without meaning to. For example, if you believe curfew for your 16-year-old needs to be at 9 o’clock on Saturday night, and they want it to be 10:30, you may need to look at that again. Your rules need to be age-appropriate and, of course, appropriate to the maturity of your teen. Most parents need to loosen the reins just a little, but hold their teen responsible for everything that happens with their newfound freedom. If you’re worried, make it a requirement for them to check in periodically. A small change that forces your child to behave more responsibly can make a big difference. And if they make a mistake, back their curfew down to an earlier hour for a time. Giving them a little more freedom also gives you more leverage to take away that freedom as a consequence.
2. Ask a trustworthy friend to offer advice and let you know if you are on the right track.
In business, I answer to my board of directors. I may not always agree with them, but I trust them to tell me when I might be doing something wrong. They’ve frankly helped me see the forest for the trees sometimes and have kept me from making some business mistakes. You need friends around you like that; wise and trustworthy friends who can give you the same kind of feedback. Tell them what you’d like to see happen in your family and the struggles you are having. Ask them to be completely honest with you. You might be surprised what they say. If they give wise advice, don’t ignore it. Perhaps God has provided them in your life to expose your blind spots, which may be the reason your home is not yet your dream home.
3. Believe that change is possible.
Sometimes the hardest thing in dealing with troubled families is for the parents to come to believe that all is not lost. They simply don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Many are like a leopard that never grows a new spot; they find it hard to believe things will ever change. But, scripture teaches us that God is a God of change and second chances. People are capable of changing at any time – both you and your teenager. When the pain of your current situation forces you and your teen to look to God and others around you for help, only then will things begin to change.
4. Begin with your mouth and your ears.
You’re probably sick of hearing me say this, but the one way I tell parents to bring about dramatic difference is to simply be quiet. Don’t engage in negative battles. Get in the habit of asking questions more than offering advice or lecturing. Close your mouth and open your ears. Maybe your teen doesn’t talk to you like you hoped because you spend too much time talking or responding and too little time listing. Even if you don’t agree with what they say, you don’t always have to react. Sometimes they are just thinking out loud and don’t even believe what they are saying. But if you react harshly, they could quickly “own” that statement and square off to defend it.
5. Take parenting to the next step.
I encourage you to evaluate your methods and expectations — again, making them age-appropriate. For example, does our child lack responsibility because you still make his lunch for him, do his laundry, run his homework to school, and fold his socks? Take the next step and force your child to care more for his own needs. By the time he moves out of your dream home, he should be well-trained and able to take care of things on his own.
6. Focus on relationship.
There is no replacement or substitute for you taking the time to sit down with your teenager at least once a week to build your relationship. No matter how many times I say this, it still bears repeating. Take the time, and make it happen every week! Just listen. Have fun. Don’t be serious or confrontational. Don’t lecture. Relationship is built on mutual interest and joy. So find the one thing you can do together that you both enjoy, and do it every week.
Can your house again be the home of your dreams? You bet! It may need some refurbishing right now, and it may look worse until it gets better, but with a lot of hard work you can surely get there. Keep in mind that continuing doing what you’ve been doing has gotten you nowhere – the plaster is peeling and the roof is about to collapse – so start by realizing that drastic change needs to happen. Begin by taking practical steps toward refining the way you engage with your teenager, helping them feel honored and respected in your home. Work on your relationship and give your teen more freedoms, coupled with responsibility and consequences. When you honor your child with your time, your relationship, and your respect, they will honor and respect you and your rules in return; eventually, once they get past the “shock and awe.”
HEAR THIS WEEK’S RADIO PROGRAM ON THIS TOPIC: go to www.parentingtodaysteens.org.
Teen Suicides on Rise (9-14-2010)
PODCAST SCRIPT:
While suicides among the general populace have decreased in the last generation, suicide rates among teenagers have tripled, making it the third leading cause of death for teens.
Kids are short-sighted. So when they feel misunderstood, bullied or hopeless, they may get it in their minds that they cannot go on living another day. Suicide then becomes their all too common decision, providing a permanent and tragic solution to what was just a temporary, teenage problem.
Should your teen ever threaten suicide or self-harm, never take it lightly. With the increasing prevalence of teen suicides, parents mustn’t ignore such warning signs. Immediately get them to a hospital, for it is better to be safe than sorry.
RECENT COMMENTS