Archive for the ‘Adoption’ Category
Online Support: The Perfect Answer for Many Adoptive Parents
Support can come in lots of ways for people who have adopted children who have special needs. Talking to someone who “gets it” is one of the best things that we as adoptive parents can do to normalize our experience and feel like we are not alone. However, some types of support just aren’t possibilities for us during our most trying of days.
Here are some reasons why “real life” as opposed to virtual, online support aren’t possible for adoptive parents:
1) Traditional support groups require us to leave our homes. This requires child care. Many adoption support groups do not provide child care.
2) Traditional support groups that meet in person sometimes offer child care. However, sometimes our children simply cannot function in that setting — even if it is geared to special needs children.
3) Sometimes we are simply to exhausted to make ourselves look presentable. Even if we want to get out and go to a group, it would require having time for a shower and ttime to find clothes that match and don’t have holes in them, perhaps makeup or perfume… you get the idea. Sometimes we’re just too tired at the end of the day to get there.
4) If we can’t meet in person, phone calls are the next best thing. However, it is quite embarrassing to be talking to someone with the noise of a kid raging in the background or while being called a variety of interesting and colorful names by an angry teenager. After we’ve said, “wait, hold on a second” five or six times it just gets too frustrating to try any longer.
5) Having visitors would be another natural way to connect with others, but I know you can think of 30 reasons why THAT isn’t going to happen. At least I can.
6) Meeting another adoptive parent for coffee or lunch is a great idea IF all the kids are in school and IF the school isn’t calling to interrupt the lunch or coffee time to say that we have to come to the school to intervene, give advice, or bring them home.
So, naturally, those of us who have interesting children at home often can’t find support by going to a “real life” support group. We can’t have people over, go out to meet someone, or talk on the phone. Fortunately, there is the internet and now even those of us in the midst of the battle in the trenches can participate in an online group.
So obviously, after reading the paragraphs above, you should already be able to articulate these reasons why online support has been my favorite type in my fifteen years as a foster and adoptive parent:
I don’t have to get dressed up. In fact I don’t have to get dressed at all. I don’t have to go anywhere. I can do it any time of day or night, it doesn’t matter if everyone is awake, or nobody is. Nobody can hear the noise and chaos in the background.
I also find that the ability to write down what I am feeling (which often is required for online support) helps me understand myself more.
So if you are finding a need to “talk” to “someone who gets it” during the next weeks, why not check out online support options? List servs, message boards, blogs, and other avenues of online connections can be just what you are looking for.
If you have not heard, Adopt America has an online support group via Facebook. You can check us out by searching for Adopt America Network’s Support Group on facebook and asking to join. We’d love to have you be a part of our group. And remember … we couldn’t care less what you look like right now, or what your kids are doing or saying in the background, or if you have lots of energy or very little. We are definitely a “come as you are” group. “See” you soon!
A Helpful Guide to International Adoption
It is often a difficult, emotional and confusing journey through the process of international adoption. Once you have jumped through one hoop, there seems to always be another waiting for you. And although the hoops are necessary, it is comforting to have information of which to refer.
Some frequently asked questions encompass the differences in the types of adoptions. International adoption laws differ from country to country. For a child to be eligible for an international adoption program, he/she must qualify under the laws of their country of origin. You must comply with U.S. federal laws and the laws of your home state to be even considered to adopt. U.S. Federal law does not prohibit Americans to adopt regardless of age, sex, race, color, national origin, religion, or income; various international agencies however, do often restrict those who have developmental or physical disabilities, single parents, or even those with a lower income. For children abroad to come to the United States, you must determine if they are eligible to immigrate under the U.S. Immigration and Nationality Act.
Types of adoption processes differ as well. If you travel abroad and at one of the family owned and run facilities you feel a deep connection to one of the children and you want to bring this into your home and ultimately, your family, this type of international adoption is independent and usually places all of the weight of the adoption process on your shoulders. Depending on the kind of adoption you chose, the more or less likely you will encounter ethics and high standards in the adoption process. Further, depending on the kind of adoption you chose, the more or less likely you are to be exposed to better costs, children’s health and facilitator competence.
Building from various laws to types of adoption, the actual process of adopting your child can again be, a confusing process on your journey in expanding your family. There are more players in the adoption process than you may expect. Your family and the parent(s) of the child, professional agencies, attorneys, adoption specialists, and licensing specialists are some of the players you need to be aware of. Nationally or internationally, the business and personal ethics of each player spreads across the board.
The application process is essential for the adoption to be successful, and regardless of the type of adoption you chose, one thing remains the same: the placement home study. A home study is basically a series of appointments with an adoption professional. After you find an agency within the United States to work with your international adoption, a local caseworker is assigned to your individual case. Usually there is a minimum of four visits (depending on the state and/or country) between you and your assigned caseworker.
Out of all the decisions, applications, visits, and international laws and so on, the most agonizing part of the adoption process is usually the waiting game. It can take between months and years or more for a family to receive a referral on a child. After approval, it takes time for you and your future child to be matched. Time is dependant upon the race, origin, other county’s laws, U.S. immigration laws, developmental disabilities, age, and etc. This process has been compared to a biological family’s pregnancy period. Each time a child is matched, it is an emotional “pregnancy test” for those waiting. Once approved, its been described as a metaphorical “labor.’ If the child match falls through, the description is an even more emotional “miscarriage.” Even with the pressures of your emotional roller coaster, your are expected to keep up with the expectations your state, country and country of your potential child. f you do not receive your referral or your matched child within a year, the previously mentioned placement home study must be renewed every twelve months.
After the waiting and the arrival of your newest family member, there are obligations you are responsible for. A minimum of three more visits (depending on the sate and/or country) are required. Nutrition, childhood development, emotional issues, discussing the adoption and education are only a few of the subjects you will encounter. For international adoption, more pressing matters include culture shock and communication difficulties.
There are many hoops to jump through in the adoption process. Many of those hoops will most likely be wrought with confusion if you do not have the proper resources to help on your journey to adopt a child. Thus, there is a need for a guide to be written, not only to fill the literary gap in detailed adoption information, but also to educate society on the importance of international adoption as well as the importance of the legitimate people who work to make life a little easier for those attempting to understand the adoption process.
About the Author
Karen Hood was born and raised in Great Falls, Montana. As an undergraduate, she attended the College of St. Benedict in St. Joseph, Minnesota, and St. John’s University in Collegeville, Minnesota. She attended the University of Great Falls in Great Falls, Montana. Hood received a B.S. Degree in Natural Science from the College of St. Benedict and minored in both Psychology and Secondary Education. Upon her graduation, Hood and her husband taught science and math on the island of St. Croix in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Hood has completed postgraduate classes at the University of Iowa in Iowa City, Iowa. In May 2001, she completed her Master’s Degree in Pastoral Ministry at Gonzaga University in Spokane, Washington. She has taken postgraduate classes at Lewis and Clark College on the North Idaho college campus in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, and Taylor University in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Hood is working on research projects to complete her Ph.D. in Leadership Studies at Gonzaga University in Spokane, Washington.
Karen Hood is also an avid child advocate. She works with children as a foster parent in the State of Washington as well as a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) volunteer in the juvenile court system in Spokane County. Hood and her husband have a strong passion to fight for the plight of abused and neglected children and the rights of all children on a local, national, and international level. Hood is also Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) and a CASA volunteer for abused and neglected children in the juvenile court system. Hood is an advocate of literacy for children and has written many articles and books on this subject. She also has written many articles on the rights of children and is currently working on books about the plight of children.
For more information, you can contact the author at her office below:
Karen Jean Matsko Hood
507 N. Sullivan Rd. Suite LL-7
Spokane Valley, WA 99037 USA
Phone: (509) 924-3550 Fax: (509) 922-9949
Pitfalls of Adoption
This is National Adoption Awareness Month, and the 20th will be the 11th annual National Adoption Day. This year the adoption month theme is “You don’t have to be perfect to be a perfect parent.”
Kids were made to be in a family, with real parents. No family is perfect, and I don’t think I have ever met a perfect parent, have you? About the time parents near “perfection,” their children are all gone and living on their own. Though adoption is never perfect, I do think that parents who are considering adoption need to be perfectly prepared and informed before they take this big step.
Adoption is riddled with acts of love by all involved. And once understood and fully appreciated by the adopted child (usually in their 20’s), they will understand God’s desire to adopt each of us to be a part of His family. As pure and undefiled as this act is, the act of adoption can still have difficulties and struggles, just as God often experiences struggles and sometimes rejection by His children.
It may seem from my following thoughts and warnings that I’m against adoption, but the opposite is true. In fact, I sit on the board of directors of an international adoption agency and some time ago I regularly worked with adoption agencies as the CEO of the National Association of Christian Child and Family Agencies. But I have to balance my own zeal for adoption with my experience of dealing with hundreds of parents who have contacted me over the years after running into an emotional firestorm when their adopted child reached the teen years.
Most of my experience has to do with the adopted kids who have come to live with us at Heartlight -- kids who were struggling with serious behavioral issues. In fact, about one third of all the teens who have ever come to live with us in our residential counseling program have been adopted. That’s a pretty high ratio, since we don’t target helping adopted children in our program. I’m sure that none of the parents thought that they would have to send their child away one day, nor anticipate that things would go wrong. But things did go wrong…to the point that the child could no longer live at home. That’s big. It’s bigger than just big. I would call it a crisis. It is a situation that no parent would hope for when adopt, but it is something to be prepared for.
I have had parents tell me that they wish someone would have asked them some deeper questions before they made the decision to adopt. And others who say that they wished they would have listened when someone did try to forewarn them about the possible future emotional struggles or mental and behavioral effects of alcohol or drug abuse during pregnancy by the child’s birth mother. Some have even shared how they wish someone would have stopped their adoption from happening.
So whose fault is it when something does go “wrong”? The adopted infant who, at the very least, had no say in the adoption? Or the older child when adopted, who out of a longing to have a family agreed to all conditions presented to him or her? Or the parents, who out of the goodness of their heart decided to bring a precious child into their family? Or the adoption agency that feels a call from God to help children and families by bringing them both together to fulfill one of God’s greatest plans? Or God Himself who created a world that has over 50 million orphans in it? You can figure all you want. But there’s only one thing that you have control over. As a parent, you can check your motives, see if adoption is right for you, and be prepared for everything that lies ahead. All things being equal among teens, the adopted child has more of a proclivity to struggle.
In fact, some adoptions cause quite a bit of pain and grief in the lives of moms, dads, sisters, brothers, and other relatives. But just because there’s conflict, it doesn’t mean that the adoption wasn’t meant to be. I believe that God uses all things, especially conflict and struggle, to work together for the good and bring about a good “end”. Your understanding of God’s faithfulness to you, should you find yourself in the midst of struggles in an adoption, will make all the difference in the world as you begin to understand what is happening around you. This understanding will usually determine how you respond, what you expect, and how you see the “bigger picture” of adoption in the life of your family, rather than just writing off something that was (and still is) so well intended, as just a mistake.
God has a plan. And if He has a plan for some people to adopt, He might also have a plan for some not to. I have met many people that have adopted. I have met many more that I hope will adopt. And I have met people who perhaps should not have adopted. Granted, it’s not my call. But it is my observation that some people have been motivated by wrong things, moved by emotion or a missionary purpose rather than logic and reason, and have made decisions about adoption that were not good choices for them. How do I know? They’ve told me, and these are the comments that I have heard:
“Why didn’t someone question what we were doing?”
“I think we got caught up in the excitement about adoption and really didn’t think about all the implications.”
“I never wanted this child, I was just being supportive of my wife’s idea.”
“This really isn’t what we thought it was going to be.”
“This child is destroying our marriage and ruining our family…what a mistake.”
“How could something that at one time felt so right…now feel so wrong?”
And because I hear kids who have been adopted say this:
“I always thought the biggest mistake was me being born….but I now think it was that someone allowed my parents to adopt me.”
“It’s almost as if I went from one bad situation to another bad situation, except people expect me to be thankful.”
“I’d rather go back to Ukraine (or any other country).”
“I don’t think my parents were supposed to have kids”
“Every one said that this was going to be so good…what happened?”
“Something’s missing, and I don’t know what it is.”
A little chilling isn’t it? I’m sure that the parents who adopted never thought they would hear those words come out of their mouths. And I’m sure that those who were adopted (whether they were older or younger) would ever think that they would want a different situation or family. But in my experience, for the most part, even the worst adoptions tend to resolve themselves when the child turns a bit older; when their brain is fully wired. The transitional adolescent years are when most kids rebel (if they are going to rebel at all), and adopted kids often have physical or emotional scars that can make this time of confusion many times worse.
When rebellion comes to the surface, seemingly overnight, parents can’t help but have an “I deserve better than this” attitude. After all, they’ve saved the child from a less privileged life. They’ve given the child their love, their home, and so much more. Now the child slaps them in the face? That hurts! So, it can be a time when emotions run high. That’s why it is so imperative for adoptive parents to know how to act and what to expect, and to most of all not take it personally. It’s not about you, it’s about the teen’s confusion and struggles. It requires a willingness to hang in there, even in the face of hatred and rejection. How severe or long that period is depends on the teen, but also somewhat how the parents respond to it.
Am I attempting to keep you from adopting? By no means. If the child isn’t adopted, they may live their lives without the presence and structure of the family to give them guidance, wisdom, love, hugs, birthday celebrations, and everything else a family offers. But be prepared for what lies before you, and don’t resort to thinking the adoption is a failure should the adopted child struggle through some pretty “heavy” issues in the teen years.
Adoption is a good thing, but it’s not for everybody. If I can get those who wouldn’t be good adoptive parent to choose not to adopt, then I have done a good thing by sharing these concerns. If they choose to go ahead and adopt, then I have also done a good thing by making them aware that issues might arise that they should be prepared to handle.
If you are considering adopting, pray about it, seek counsel, ask for honest answers to the difficult questions, and don’t get caught up in it as the “Christian thing” to do. By all means, don’t rush into it. Talk to people whose adoptions have gone well, and those whose have not gone well. Ask questions. Listen wisely. Proverbs 15:22 reminds us, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” My point is this. Ask many people about the adoption process that if that is what you are considering.
If adoption is right for you, then pursue it with abandon. But if it’s not, don’t hesitate to say so, and know that God has another plan for you, for the child, and for your family’s life. Make sure each spouse and any remaining children in the family are fully on board, not just going along with it. Make sure that what you’re doing is the right thing to do….FOR YOU, FOR YOUR FAMILY and FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. Because if it’s the wrong thing to do, the child and your family will both pay a great price (and I’m not just talking about money).
If you’ve already adopted, embrace that which is before you and know that God has not abandoned you if things aren’t working the way you want them to. I guarantee that He is involved. Remember, any issue that does arise, can be worked through, dealt with, and resolved. You can get on the other side, whether that is a change in your child’s behavior and issues, your issues that you brought into the adoption, or the way that you view those issues that have landed on your doorstep. It’s merely a new test, a new challenge, and a new opportunity for change, in the lives of all involved. There is hope. There are answers. So, if you are at that point, please don’t hesitate to call me. I can help you through these issues.
If you have an adoption story you’d like to share with me and possibly our readers, please email me at markgregston@heartlightministries.org.
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